Heroes

New med.

About a week now.

Her mood is good.

My girl seems to be back.

Her eyes sparkle. Her skins glows.

She hopes.

She dreams.

She is switching to an accelerated alternative high school which will meet her needs better.

She has a boy who seems to adore her.

But alas, she starves.

She sips naked juice. Maybe milk.

I am not even worth feeding. I think so little of myself, I don’t deserve food.

She believes this.

 

I told her I loved her one night and I told her I wouldn’t trade her for the most “healthy” “perfect” cheer leading, valedictorian, high school super star for anything. She looked lost, like I was lying. I said, you’re amazing. You’re my daughter. The crazy fucked up warrior who is gonna be just fine (her motto) and she wept.

I don’t know how she feels because at her age I was drunk and high on whatever I could consume. I slept with men for the high of that. My double Leo personality greatly covered up my own low self esteem and self doubt… even self hatred. I deal with that now.

She is actually several steps ahead. Learning about self care and self respect at 16. Words I didn’t learn until my late twenties in AA. Self care. Worthiness. Empowerment. Accountability. Mindfulness.

I hope this new med is working but either way, I have hope, she will make it. And be a more powerful women for it.

Thank you Universe for my children. The perfectly imperfect people who came through me into being. Who carry their idiosyncrasies, their brilliance, their character defects, their massive compassion, their wounds, their age old power with such grace and dignity through the muck and mire to the green meadows of peace of mind… albeit brief at times. 

They, all four; amaze me.

And all the fear and tears.

The blood and pain.

The not knowing and doubt.

The guilt that follows me as a shadow, I would not lay down for one second of time of it all for these people are mine. My tribe. My tuath. My blood and my pride.

Disease may seems more powerful and a formidable bully.

But it is just part of life.

And we are warriors.

We are heroes.

.